Brief Lecture Notes for Unit 9b
Something Less Than A Stage Theory of Friendship Patterns
This
model is "something less than a theory" for two reasons.
(1) It discusses the "what" (observed differences in how
children defend, explain, or justify their friendship choices) but not the
"why" (a coherent theoretical explanation of these age
trends/patterns). (2) It emphasizes
how children talk about friendship - which may or may not correlate all that
well what their actual friendship behaviors.
You may have noticed in your own life that talking and doing aren't
the same thing.
Stage
1: Commonality of activity (ages 1-3)
"A
friend is someone who's doing what I'm doing"
Obviously,
this suggests that friendship patterns at this age are highly labile (subject to
change without notice) - a child's "best friend" may change from hour
to hour.
Stage
2: Propinquity (ages 4-6)
"A
friend is someone who shares my world" (is nearby or "in the
neighborhood")
"Propinquity"
means nearness or geographic closeness. Children
at this age build friendships on the accidents of geographic location, but even
in the age of the Internet, this variable influences adult relationships as well
- just not to the same extent.
Stage
3: Acceptance and admiration (ages 7-9)
"A
friend is someone who thinks well of me"
Note the generally egocentric or narcissistic aspect of this stage (corresponds to Piagetian egocentrism?). The child wants to be liked and admired; if s/he returns the favor, it is probably incidental.
Here,
for the first time, clear gender differences in friendship patterns become
noticeable (see below).
Stage
4: Commitment and obligation (ages 10-12)
"A
friend is someone who keeps her/his promises to me"
Here,
mutuality of obligation is in view (less egocentric). The notion is one of relational equity - each side gives and
receives the same amount (sometimes in starkly literal terms).
Loyalty is paramount (note the overwhelming concern with betrayal in
children at this stage).
Stage
5: Genuineness and reciprocity (ages 13-15)
"A
friend is someone who is real"
A
shift from an outward (behavioral/activity) to an inward (mental/verbal) focus
begins at this stage (particularly for girls).
Friendship now involves self-disclosure.
Gender differences in friendship patterns become still more evident (see
below).
Stage
6: Similarity and intimacy (ages 16-101)
"A
friend is someone whom I can get to know in depth" (because we share
sufficient similarities)
See
below for the rather paradoxical relationship between similarity (seeking a
friend who is alike) and complementarity (seeking a friend who is unlike). The
notion that friendships are not static, but must continue evolving and growing
over time, becomes a paramount consideration.
The focus is less on the immediate present and more on the projected
future course of the friendship.
Some observations about gender differences in friendship patterns
Reliable
gender differences can be observed as early as the second stage, but become
determinative by the third stage. Girls
tend to form smaller, more close-knit relationship patterns (seeking "best
friends"), even though paradoxically they have more friends on average than
boys at any age (but at certain stages become much more concerned with issues of
"popularity" or inclusion). Boys
tend to form larger relational/activity groups, but paradoxically are less
likely to identify any close friends. This
is probably a correlate of girls' propensity to form friendships through talk,
boys through shared action. Note
that because of this fact, the model above may contain a hidden gender bias
("higher" stages present more "feminine" patterns -
friendship through verbal self-disclosure). Male relationship patterns
tend to orient around a vertical hierarchy (superiority-inferiority or
dominance-submission), while female relationship patterns tend to orient around
a horizontal hierarchy (acceptance-rejection or inclusion-exclusion).
The similarity-complementarity paradox
Particularly
in the early stages of a relationship, direct conscious concerns about
similarity dominate, and probably have to do with shared interests, values,
experiences, and lifestyle. (Question:
how do people discover these things about each other?)
As the friendship deepens, however, underlying (probably somewhat less
than conscious) concerns about role complementarity take on increasing
significance, and are probably predictable in terms of models of personality
diversity such as the Big Five or the Personality
Self-Portrait.